Is Fear Holding You Back? Stop Saying 'I Should...

As

Rhonda Britten

and I was on the podcast talking about Fear this triggered thoughts of my own journey so here we go…

Breaking Free: My Journey From Fear to Freedom

All my life, a heavy cloak of fear seemed to follow me. It whispered that I wasn't good enough, not worthy enough, not intelligent enough, not capable enough.

Growing up neurodivergent, with the added challenges of dyslexia, only amplified those feelings. It felt like success was a club I could never join, and I was always on the outside looking in.

I suspect many of you might understand that feeling of being an outsider.

But two years ago, something shifted. I reached a point where the pain of staying the same outweighed the fear of change. I was sick of my own limitations.

I didn't like the way I was doing things, the way I looked, or even the sound of my own voice. It was time for a change, and that change had to be built on a foundation of conscious action.

This is where my journey truly began, taking inspiration from people who have faced their own fears head-on, like Rhonda Britten.

The First Step: Making the Decision

As Rhonda Britten explains, the first step is making a decision. Not a wish or a hope, but a firm declaration that you're no longer willing to live in the land of indecision. It's about saying no to self-shaming, self-judgment, and all the ways we put ourselves down.

It's about choosing to move forward, even when you don't know how. Like Rhonda said "It’s just a decision to make".

For me, this meant making a conscious effort to take small steps. It wasn't about a dramatic overnight transformation but a series of daily choices to do things differently.

It was, as Rhonda later described, similar to giving myself a gold star for the smallest positive actions, even if it was just showing up five minutes less late than usual. It was like starting over from kindergarten.

Understanding the Role of Fear

Rhonda, a life coach who has spent 30 years helping people master fear, describes how most of us don't even realise we're afraid.

We think it's a character flaw, that something is fundamentally wrong with us. We believe the lies that we should be different, we should know better.

But as Rhonda passionately proclaims, "No, you're afraid". This resonated deeply with me, it's always been a matter of 'I should' rather than I will.

It was a powerful moment of realisation. It wasn't a lack of worth, but fear itself, holding me back. It’s not about your past, it’s about fear.

According to Rhonda, building a relationship with fear is crucial. It's like understanding a partner, as I suggested in the podcast, once you know what fear needs, things become easier.

Forgiveness and Acceptance

Rhonda's story is a powerful example of how past trauma can fuel our fears. She shares a heartbreaking account of witnessing her father murder her mother and then commit suicide.

This led to years of self-blame, alcohol abuse, and suicide attempts. Yet, she found freedom by forgiving not only her father, but also her mother and, most importantly, herself.

As she came to understand, her parents' actions came from their own limitations and fears, not from anything she had done wrong. Forgiving ourselves is a critical step towards being able to move forward. I found that I needed to be able to forgive myself for not being that person I thought I should be, which was the key.

The Wheel of Fear and the Wheel of Freedom

Rhonda introduced a concept called the "Wheel of Fear" which demonstrates the cycle of fear, including:

• A core trigger: a fundamental fear developed in early childhood.

• Fear responses: The automatic ways we try to protect ourselves.

• A core negative feeling: The feeling we are trying to avoid.

• Self-destructive behaviors: The actions we take that further reinforce our fear.

For Rhonda, her core fear is being a "loser", which leads to people-pleasing and ultimately to feeling "worthless," and ultimately self-destructive behaviors. When we get stuck in this pattern, we get trapped. As Rhonda said, it is like being on the “righty tighty” cycle.

The "Wheel of Freedom", on the other hand, is where we consciously break the fear cycle by acknowledging our fear and actively choosing a different path. It includes:

• Essential nature: Connecting with your true self and who you're meant to be. For Rhonda it is authenticity.

• Proactive behaviours: Taking actions that are in line with your values.

• Wholeness: Accepting ourselves fully and without judgment. For Rhonda it is self-acceptance.

• Behaviours of freedom: Being patient and living in your wholeness. This cycle, Rhonda calls “lefty lucy”.

By identifying our individual "wheel of fear", we can then create our own "wheel of freedom" to break free from the cycle of fear.

By doing this we are no longer letting our fears take control over who we are. It shifts from looking at life through wrong or right, good or bad, into just looking at it through the lens of fear.

My Promise: Helping Others

Having come this far on my own journey, I now feel a sense of responsibility.

I made a promise to myself that once I had built a certain level of confidence and acceptance of who I am, I would do what I can to help others who may have suffered as I have, for many years.

This is why I am sharing my story. It's a testament that change is possible. It is not easy, but the journey of changing your mindset and how you act through facing your fears, while having a relationship with your fears, is the key.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you, it's just fear. And once you understand how fear works for you, everything changes.